why i hate american cars…

Wednesday, August 27, 2008 | 22:45

i spent (3/4 of) last weekend in san diego for at and bl’s wedding.  while the wedding was awesome enough to deserve an entry of its own, here they will only receive a simple CONGRATS!!!  i managed to priceline a mid-size rental car for $18/day and was excited at the prospect of beating on a rental car that wasn’t a baby Kia.  when i arrived at the counter i was told that the only mid-size car available at the san diego airport budget rent-a-car was… a pt cruiser.

chrysler is a case study in what happens when trends are bucked.  carried by their light truck and suv sales and the ubiquitous dodge caravan, chrysler managed to trudge through a german invasion and a buyout… but with fuel prices soaring and everyone turning green they’ve certainly suffered.  through the years they’ve sought to regain market share by going retro, thinking a blast from the past would ignite memories in the minds of americans and help auto sales.  and while i love the challenger r/t i wouldn’t be caught dead in a pt cruiser.  i took the upgrade the agent offered me milliseconds after he uttered “retro hearst”…  for a dodge avenger.

my first impression of the avenger : boat.  the awkward pairing of a hotrod-esque choptop roofline and enough ground clearance to attack Moab makes for the driving dynamics of a Princess Cruiseliner.  pair the marshmellow-like handling with an anemic 2.4L I4 and you’re completely out of touch with the road.  it’s like using sandpaper on the john.  it does the job, but it’s so unnecessarily painful.  173hp doesn’t help as much when it’s pulling 3500lbs.

build quality: non-existent.  i could see the plastic leftovers from the molds on the instrument cluster surround.  mind you, this is a $21k car and not a revell model car.  the odd dodge placed on the right side under the vent reminds you that you’re cruising in (lack-of-)style.  dodge, baby.

as a 31″ waisted yuppie twenty-something, it becomes clear you are not the target market for this car.  if this offends you, i’m sorry.  well, not really sorry, because it should at least invoke a chuckle to anyone who lives on the two coasts.  glutinous americans, you either infuriate the world to the point of being bombed or are the laughing stock of the universe.   i guess what i’m trying to say is i feel kind of bad for saying this car is BUILT FOR FAT AMERICANS (i mean obese, but fat sounds easier to swallow).  i was swimming in the seats, as were all of my rear seat passengers who also were wise to the fact that “it’s for fat americans”.

so we played q&a on the way to bubble tea.  q/pistevo: “why are the buttons on the radio so big?” a/cw: “fat americans have fat fingers”.  q/pistevo: “what is that compartment?” a/cw: [sticks his hand in] “it cools your sodas for when you’ve drunk all of your big gulp”.  q/sw: “why is your turn signal clicker so loud?”  a/jc: “because fat americans forget to turn off their blinkers”.  in the meanwhile ac, sw, and jc are commenting on the fact that ac is sprawled out as the middle passenger in the rear seat as if she’s on a huge couch… with room to spare.

dear cerebus, i see that you are busy unloading an american icon from your portfolio.  that american icon was probably one of the most awesome cars your lousy investment has ever made and i hate to tell you this but you bought a piece of poo. and no matter how hard you try to polish this turd of an automaker… their products are still just that.  dodge avenger sxt : shiny [xpletive] turd.

posted in rants