Being a parent is really hard.

Being a parent of two is really really hard.

Being a parent of two small children with a spouse that works crazy hours is really really fu(%ing hard.

That is the summary of the month of August.

At the beginning of the month I had the primary goal of set fewer goals and work towards finishing them. This worked brilliantly in my favor. I set bite-sized goals at work that had to fit on mini post-its. I got 80% of the important items done and 100% of the urgent ones. I didn’t stress over the things that I had hoped to achieve in my personally life because I knew I could not achieve them given our family schedule and I actively said no to some of these things (something I’m notoriously bad at doing.)

I felt relief that I could say no. I felt relief that I could recognize when my mental health was at risk. I still am not sure if real relief is on the horizon, but I feel a reprieve.

I didn’t push myself to jump on the race simulator. I didn’t push my self to write code. I self-medicated with reality television, alcohol, and… prayer and silence. I realized that my Chromebook was giving my mental anguish and bought a shiny new Macbook Pro. Retail therapy is quite theraputic.

What emerged from stress was some creativity. When push came to shove I saw what was important to me and where my interests really are. I am still a gearhead through and through and I can’t stop thinking about ideas in that space. I still love my family and despite the pain I constantly think about what it is I’m doing that isn’t quite up to snuff. I still love pushing myself… and it helps me feel alive to try to push towards goals and achieve.

My goals for the month of September are not in the same fashion as they have been in recent months:

  • dream more;
  • love more;
  • live more;
  • drink more; and
  • fucking ship something, dammit.