I just spent the last 2 hours filling out the school enrollment form for the San Francisco Unified School District. My oldest is going to Kindergarten next year, which I guess actually makes her quite young. The whole process is absolutely infurating. Having to skip morning meetings to go on school tours. “Having to” tour private schools in case the school lottery goes your way. Questioning your entitlement that you are now imposing on your child as you are just trying to get them to start school.

I accompanied this madness with a small pour of Nikka Taketsuru. As my frustration grew I went for some truffled gouda and overpriced crackers that my wife insists I stop buying. Then to reward myself for actually filling out this godforsaken, disasterous, ridiculous government form I rewarded myself with a Tripel Karmeliet that was camping out in the fridge.

I sometimes think I am unique in the fact that I reserved much of my alcohol consumption until I was of legal age to do so. I remember sitting in high school Calculus as a junior among seniors where my classmate said, “by the end of the year my goal is to get you high and drunk”. (That classmate is now a doctor.)

We are an instacart family, but I’ve been making an extra special effort to take one of the kids with me to the store on Saturday mornings. The shopping is mostly boring. Things we will throw in the slow-cooker or pressure-cooker. Milk. Eggs. Bread for the kids. But what I continue to find joy in is going down the Pinot aisle and picking something of value. And then heading to the beer case (holy sh!t, Haight Whole Foods, you’ve upped your game) and finding something worthy of a late night chug.

At some point as a senior in college I realized I was self-medicating with alcohol. I suffered with depression for many years and with the stress of life as a married father of two I’ve slowly felt the same sort of thoughts creeping back. If you combine the two it turns out that you’re probably looking at something that isn’t entirely healthy.

That’s where I sit today. The timer on the Christmas tree lights have gone off so I should head to bed.

The world in it’s current state is pretty f*cked up. We are all blaming each other. None of us is willing to get in the shoes of the other. And we drown ourselves in the momentary thrill of likes, loves, and consumption of random articles, memes, jokes, that simply serve to mask what is really going on in our lives.

I’ve been escaping to a night cap pretty regularly over the course of the past month. Some of this is as an escape. And some of this I believe is because I keep increasing my Russian Kettlebell swing intensity and I’ve lived in some state of hangriness for the past 3 weeks.

Blogging as a buzzed middle-aged man in his dark living room ends in a number of conclusions:

  • as a human being amongst human beings, I am nothing. unimportant. unnoticable.
  • as a human being amongst the human beings that are actually aware of my existence, there are so many things that I should be doing better to add to their lives
  • as a middle-aged man I love the bottle more than is healthy and perhaps next year is a year I should cut back
  • truffled gouda and crackers is a great midnight snack and you should indulge in the same

I have no cohesive thoughts. None. But I hope we all can find peace as we go in to the new year. Free of want. Free of need. Full of peace. Amen.