Not business… but busyness. That’s what the last 9 months has looked like. “Busy”. “Virtual Insanity”. These are the terms by which I have described what it has meant to be me in 2018.

Today was the most difficult day in my tenure as an employee of Slack. I asked the wife to bring home some beer because we were out and I didn’t want to dig in to the hard stuff to drown myself in sorrow. And so I’m sitting here typing this up snacking on Baby Goldfish and sipping on some Golden State Cider.

By all measurements I can think of I live a successful and privileged life. I live in and own property in one of the most expensive cities in the world. I have a great job at the fastest growing enterprise software company of all time. I have a wife and two kids who love me dearly. The only reason I do not own my dream car is because I do not have a place to park it.

A couple of weeks ago we mourned and celebrated the life of my stepgrandmother. She was 90 years old and lived a good life. Her friends came to her funeral and told of a woman who hosted bible study and loved cigarettes and slot machines. In my friend’s words “I would have had a great life if that’s how I was remembered”. Stereotypical asian parents don’t tell you how to deal with emotion. Sadness isn’t something they show. When they cry you’re really not sure how to react. But I know that we’re supposed to celebrate life and especially that of those who lived a fulfilling one.

I’m not doing that right now and I regret it.

I stress my kids out I’m sure. Rules. Regulations. Bed times.

I stress my wife out I’m sure. Cries for help with the kids. Unfinished projects around the house. A dissatisfaction with my own achievement and ambition.

And all of that leads to regret. I’m not entirely sure that I have become the person that I want to be. I am sure that I have not reached the potential that has been gifted me. And for that I want to find an answer.